A Dirty Rag and a Feathered Duster
by Teddylonglong
Summary: ONE-SHOT. What if Fawkes took over the Sorting from the Sorting Hat? The students in Harry's year will be anything but pleased. Just a drabble for your entertainment.


**A Dirty Rag and a Feathered Duster  
** **by Healer Teddylonglong**

 _All recognizable characters belong to J. K. Rowling, and I am not earning anything by writing this story.  
I am not a native speaker of English. Please excuse my mistakes._

 **COMPLETELY AU!**

* * *

It was a cold spring day at Hogwarts, and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was enjoying his late night tea with his Deputy, Minerva McGonagall.

"I fear I'm going to lose him, Minerva," Dumbledore said thoughtfully, remembering the conversation they had led with the Slytherin fifth-year Severus Snape. "But there is no way I could expel Mr. Potter and Mr. Black. You know how important the Potters are for our side, and Mr. Black would surely be lost to the dark side."

McGonagall let out a long sigh, knowing she wasn't able to change her old friend's mind.

Suddenly, Fawkes began to trill. #That's all just because of you, you filthy old piece of cloth! If you hadn't sorted him into Slytherin, he might have well become friends with the Marauders.#

"I merely sorted him where I deemed it necessary," the Sorting Hat replied in his high, pitchy voice. "What does a phoenix know about such things?" The Hat straightened itself in his shelf, trying to unobtrusively shake some dust off.

#Surely more than you, you ancient fool. I'm at least refreshing my brain every now and then! Your brain is completely stuck in dust and filth.#

"Does the Headmaster know what you're doing with his lemon drops in his absence, you feathered duster?"

#What would you know about it, you dirty old rag? Your brain isn't only completely rotten; it even only works if someone puts you on their head.#

"You're lucky that you're an immortal being born out of fire, because you're so ugly; if you had a mother, she'd have broken your egg when you were a chick."

#Be glad that those who made you didn't have to wear you; otherwise you might have ended up as a rag to clean the toilets.#

"Fawkes, behave yourself," the Headmaster lightly admonished his familiar after interpreting Fawkes' words to Minerva.

#I always behave, even when I'm a nestling, don't I, Madam Know-it-all?# With that Fawkes elegantly jumped onto Minerva's left arm, inclining his head as an invitation to pet his head feathers.

McGonagall gently stroked the phoenix' feathers as she chuckled at his antics. "Well, I believe it has long been time to abolish that ludicrous and antiquated Sorting procedure. I suggest we let Fawkes sort the first-years into their Houses from the next school year onwards. And I'm sure if you agree, it might even improve the taste of your lemon drops," she added, glancing at Fawkes, who was trilling a reassuring melody.

 _ **Fifteen years later...**_

Fifteen years ago, after a huge fight between Fawkes and the Sorting Hat, Professor McGonagall had decided that it was time to finally abolish the old fashioned Sorting system and let Fawkes sort the first years into their Houses. However, it had taken ten years to convince the Headmaster and another five years to bring the decision through the Wizengamot that used to fight against any change of tradition, especially when it came to their most protected school, Hogwarts.

Today was the first of September and Fawkes' first Sorting ceremony, and the school was getting ready for the new students to arrive.

"Fawkes, just so you know, today's Sorting is extremely important, since Harry Potter is going to come to Hogwarts today," Dumbledore said to Fawkes as he prepared himself to leave his office for the Welcoming Feast.

#Yes I know. Did you remember to cast the spell at me that enables the nestlings to listen to my babbling?# Fawkes trilled cheerfully.

"Oh right, I nearly forgot," Dumbledore said, sighing, and quickly waved his wand over his familiar.

#Oh, I love the Sorting. It'll be so much fun to talk to the nestlings,# Fawkes trilled excitedly as he sat on Dumbledore's shoulder on the way down to the Great Hall, ignoring the concerned look the Headmaster shot him.

Observed by hundreds of students, Fawkes took his seat on the perch that stood next to the teachers' table, pleasurably stretching his legs and wings to make himself comfortable. #Well, since Professor McGonagall decided to abolish the stupid old rag of a Hat and let me sort the first years, I suggest that we just begin with the Sorting,# Fawkes trilled into the Hall, and Professor McGonagall began to call the students from a long list she held in her hands.

"Bones, Susan," the Gryffindor Head called, and the first student stepped in front of Fawkes perch.

#What is the most important thing you expect from your first year at Hogwarts?# Fawkes asked.

"Getting good friends," Susan replied shyly, throwing the phoenix a frightened look.

#Hufflepuff,# Fawkes decided. #I'm sure you'll find the most loyal friends there.#

The next few students were all sorted into Hufflepuff. ' _I probably need to choose a different House this time_ ,' Fawkes mused when McGonagall called, "Crabbe, Vincent."

#What do you expect?# Fawkes repeated the question he asked everyone.

"I need to stay with Draco and help him, so he can help me," the boy replied, staring at the bird.

' _He is too stupid for anything. I'd love to sort him into Hufflepuff as well, but... Oh well, he should study a bit more. He can only improve,_ ' Fawkes thought, before he trilled, #Ravenclaw.#

"Finnigan, Seamus."

"I want to ensure that the magical world remains in peace and won't be pulled into a war by dark wizards again."

#You're quite courageous. I hope you'll succeed,# Fawkes trilled. #Gryffindor.#

"Goyle, Gregory."

' _Oh no; another one of these stupid nestlings,_ ' Fawkes thought in annoyance. #Ravenclaw.#

"Granger, Hermione."

#Oh, I see you're Muggle born, young lady; not that it matters, but what do you expect?#

"I'd love to know everything one can know about the magical world. I know my school books by heart, and I've read _Hogwarts: A History_ and _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_ and _Potions Through the Ages_ and..."

#I see, I see, that's enough. I'm already getting a headache. That sounds like Ravenclaw, but you better learn not to blurt everything out you know. Therefore, it will be Slytherin!#

As the Sorting dragged on, Fawkes noticed that it wasn't as interesting as he had assumed but in fact quite boring, and he began to yawn.

"Longbottom, Neville."

#What do you want?# he asked moodily.

Neville shot the phoenix a frightened look. "I hope to be able to learn some magic. I probably don't have much more magic than a Squib, but..."

#Nonsense,# Fawkes said impatiently. #Do you think I'm stupid? Oh well, Slytherin.#

"Malfoy, Draco."

"I'll be in Slytherin of course like my father and grandfather, who always fought for the rights of the purebloods."

' _Disgusting. Purebloods my a..._.' #Let's make you a Hufflepuff, so you learn to get along with everyone.#

Draco shot the bird an enraged look, before he stepped to the Hufflepuff table with an expression of loathing on his face.

' _Oh, will this Sorting last forever?_ ' Fawkes thought, yawning.

"Potter, Harry."

#What do you expect here, my nestling?# Fawkes queried friendly, remembering the Headmaster's warning.

"I don't expect anything, because I don't know much about the magical world. I have been warned about Slytherin though, so if you could place me anywhere else please?"

#No, you're the perfect Slytherin.#

Fawkes sighed in relief, when McGonagall finally called the last student. "Weasley, Ronald."

"I'd love to be friends with Harry Potter, although I don't want to be in Slytherin like him. Can't you perhaps re-sort him and place both of us into Gryffindor?"

#No. You'll go into Hufflepuff to learn to like people for how they are, not for who they are,# Fawkes trilled firmly and flashed straight to the Head table, landing right in front of the Headmaster. #Just so you know, I'll never ever again do this stupid work for you. Next year, the dirty old rag can fulfil his task again. Please tell your Minnie Know-it-all that it was a bad idea.#

With that, Fawkes flashed back into the Headmaster's office and made himself comfortable on his perch, readying himself for another fight with the Sorting Hat.

 **The End**


End file.
